


Looking for Signs of Life

by Miki_and_company



Series: Water, Salt, and the Time it Takes to Grow Up [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Airplanes, Angst, Bisexual Dave, Character Arcs, Coming of Age, Dave being a mess, Dave centered, Established Relationship, Flight Attendants, Humanstuck, Karkat is a high school english teacher, Love with a capital L, M/M, Multi, Self-Doubt, irrelevant character death, lot of feels, post-college, rosemarriage, sequel fic but you dont need to read the other one, this is about breaking your heart and piecing it back together, through doing the same to your fave characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-07-13 03:51:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16009691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miki_and_company/pseuds/Miki_and_company
Summary: They've been together for ten years now. That's what experts call "a long-ass time", especially when you're twenty-five. Rose and Kanaya may have decided that this they might as well get married, but for Dave and Karkat, things haven't been so clear-cut.Between trying to get his life together, and convincing himself that he deserves love, Dave is in for an existential ride that'll take him unexpected places, where he'll maybe--just maybe--find himself.





	1. Signs of Life

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in a AU where an entry-level high school teacher may make enough money to support themselves. Please don’t bug me about it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life is going by just too fast for 25 years old Dave. It feels like he’s still a teenager, barely past the stage of answering to teachers and questioning his sexuality, and yet, here he is, apartment hunting with his long-term boyfriend, going to his sister’s wedding, attempting to find a job and finding himself like left behind while everyone around him have decided to become adults. Could it be that he is too complacent? Could it be that he belongs elsewhere? He is starting to wonder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Arcade fire--Signs of Life ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4U5q_w9IJA)

It was about 3 in the afternoon, so the _Thai Express_ in which Dave and Karkat were sitting was mostly empty. Outside, sunlight poured onto the busy sidewalks. Dave had a thought for the ridiculously tiny windows of his apartment, and finally understood why Karkat was growing so impatient of moving out.

Speaking of Karkat, he took a bite of his pad-thai and sighed loudly.

“So, what’s the deal now?” He asked. “What are we to make of today’s batch of potential living quarters?”

Dave shrugged. None of them were significantly better than the place they already lived in. Though at this point, he really wasn’t picky. Not that he was much picky to begin with.

“I liked the first on we visited.”

He already knew they wouldn’t go for that one, because he already knew exactly what Karkat thought of every place they had visited. He was not discreet about his thoughts. This was just an exercise in trying to find what compromises exactly Karkat was ready to make.

“I mean, okay, I’ll admit that it was obviously a place intended for hobbit grandmas more than for us, but it was close to a lot of buses so that’s always a good thing.”

Karkat scoffed.

“Just admit that you were sexually aroused by the eyesore that was the bedroom wallpaper.”

Dave dramatically put a hand on his chest.

“It was a vintage horrifying-child-holding-a-cat print babe, how am I *not* supposed to be turned on by that?”

Karkat rolled his eyes.

“I swear to God…”

Dave continued.

“We could have sex in that room, babe. Right in front of the innocent eyes of cat-holding possessed demon babies.”

“How about I’d rather die? Even if we were to get this place—and we’re not—I would make sure to tear of that wallpaper before we even set up the wifi, and that’s non-negociable.”

Dave shook his head.

“Then what’s the point?”

“The point is,”Karkat picked up, “That is apartment is right over a Zumba studio and that I don’t care at all to be bothered by the sound of a flamboyant Latino whose grindr profile consists of a pic of his abs and nothing else shouting over cheesy music telling middle-aged straight white ladies who are trying to get a break from their kid named Papaya to free their inner cougar while I’m correcting essays.”

Dave laughed.

“Why not? It might drown out the sound of you hitting your head against the wall because the kids these days just don’t get like Shakespeare or whatever.”

“It’s not that they don’t *get* it, is that they’re not reading it, and not even bothering to bullshit decently.”

“Bullshit is an art.”

“You know, maybe we should try and get something a bit further from downtown?”

“What?”

“You know, like, further from George Sand and everything else, but nicer and cheaper.”

“Weren’t you the one who wanted easier commute?”

“I could get a car.”

Dave nodded. He didn’t have a license, so the idea of a car was somewhat unappealing to him, but Karkat was the one with a job. He couldn’t complain.

“Sometimes I wish we had a place like Rose’s.”

“And I wish we had a place like your Mom’s. But I have college debt and a High School teacher’s salary.”

“I mean, I’m sure I’ll get a job…”

“Dave, don’t sweat it. I know you’re looking. Besides, I think Rose and Kanaya got a much better deal than normal on that place of theirs. Maybe we should ask them for advice.”

“Karkat. I love you, but the day I ask Rose and Kan for shopping advice is the day I surrender my sanity. I remember them apartment hunting. There was spreadsheets. Ethical dilemmas. Curtain samples. I think Rose got the carpet to match the color of her labia.”

“I don’t think I ever even saw their fucking carpet under the constant mess their place is.”

“Thank god for that.”

“And it’s not like they’re lacking in closet space…” Karkat trailed off, envious.

“hey”

“yeah?”

“Don’t you ever think it’s weird?”

“what?”

“To be turned on by like…closet space and wallpaper. To just, have jobs, and…”

“Is it that weird? I mean, that’s just fucking growing up. It’s weird, yeah, but…I’m not sure I ever really expected anything else?”

Dave shrugged.

“I know, it’s just…uncanny, somehow. I’m sure it’s just the wedding, but…”

Karkat put his hand on Dave’s arm.

“Dave. Everything is going to be okay.  Believe me, I’m as fucking nervous about this matrimonial shitshow as one can be.  But then I remember that it’s supposed to be fun, so I try and just, like, hope I’m going to enjoy it.”

Dave had a faint smile. This is not at all what he was talking about but having Karkat be optimistic somehow managed to cheer him up anyway.

After that, their banter took a lighter tone that lasted all the way to Mom’s house. He had an inexplicable ball in the pit of his stomach, but it felt good nonetheless to receive her wet smooches on both his cheeks as he entered the house. As well as Dad’s firm handshake. And Rose, Kanaya and John’s hugs.

The atmosphere was frantic. Duffle bags, scattered around, clothes neatly packed in dry-cleaning bags. Rose was sat at the kitchen table, trying to look poise, but Dave couldn’t help but notice how nervously she played with the shiny ring on her hand.

“So, big day coming up, right?” he said, with a complete lack of cleverness.

“It’s just a formality, really,” she answered, deadpan.

“Now the only one missing is Jade! Once she arrives we can go!” John declared.

“What’s the name of the place again?” Dave asked.

“I’ve only told you about eighteen times,” Karkat sighed.

“It’s the Crimson Maple Resort,” Kanaya said.

Suddenly, Mom walked into the kitchen.

“Alrighty, so, for the car arrangements, I was thinking, Rose, Kan, Porrim and I could be in the Honda, Meanwhile John, Dave, Karkat and Jade could fit into the minivan with Dad.”

“Porrim is here?” Dave asked.

“She’s upstairs,” Kanaya answered.

The doorbell rang. Pretty much everyone walked at the same time towards the entrance to greet the last guest.

Mom opened the door and a wild-grinned Jade jumped immediately in the arms of Dave, almost knocking him over despite her size. It might’ve been only because he was standing right there, but she was obviously very happy to see him as they had had few opportunities to meet since college.

“Hey, what’s up, dawg?”

“Dave!!!”

“in the flesh.”

“It’s so good to see you!”

She squeezed him one last time before moving on to her next target like an overly enthusiastic puppy.

“Where are your bags?” Mom asked.

“Oh, Dad already put it in the car,” Jade smiled.

“Well then, I figure it’s time to go now,” she declared.

After about ten minutes of making sure no one forgot anything, they were ready to go.

\---

“Oh, oh, and that—that was when we were camping at the national park. Jen made some rice with hot dog sausages it was amazing but then it was kind of hell to clean up. We had to take turns scrubbing the pot to make sure we could still use it the next day.”

Jade was holding her phone, showing Dave a pic of her sitting on a log in cargo pants, smiling with a gruel on her lap.

“It’s really a beautiful place. I’ve been putting together the book now, and every time I’m describing something it just makes me want to go back there again. I mean, six months is a lot, but it really got me to fall in love with the place, you know?”

“Yeah…man, sometimes I wish I could travel more. Are you sure your company isn’t hiring?”

Jade laughed.

“I’m afraid not…besides, you’ve never even done much outdoors, so I don’t know how you’d survive…”

“Yeah, you’re right. Show me more of your pics.”

She smiled and obliged.

“So, this was the last day, I think…”

Dave kind of tuned her out to stare at how happy she seemed to be. Another one, he thought, who’s got their shit together. Living to the fullest. Jade was probably not going to get married, but she was doing something she loved, and Dave couldn’t help but feel envy for that. Especially since, back in college, they had somewhat bonded around their fear of the future, their indecision. He remembered her, preciously drunk, mumbling in his shoulder about lacking purpose and dying alone and miserable. Then passing out ten minutes later. She was kind of a lightweight. But she eventually found a way out of that low. Dave wasn’t sure he had.

\---

“Karkat. Stop scrubbing your face.”

Porrim didn’t even bother looking at him. She was much too focused on Kanaya’s eyeshadow for that. Still, the layer of foundation she had previously slapped on Karkat’s face was very much itching him, and he really had nothing better to do than more or less subconsciously rubbing it off.

“I’m hot,” he complained. “Are you almost done now? You’ve been working on Kanaya’s face for like an hour, she’s beautiful, I don’t think she can get much more gorgeous than she already is now.”

Porrim leaned back with a sigh. She looked at Kanaya for a minute.

“You know what?” She said. “You’re right.”

She put down the brush she was holding, took Kanaya’s chin in her hand and looked at her little sister with a proud smile.

“It’s your big day, babygirl. Look at you,” her smile turned playful. “Marrying rich.”

“Hey!” Kanaya objected as her big sister laughed.

“I’m just joking. You’re one fine young woman, and you know it. I couldn’t be prouder.”

She was visibly holding back her urge to give a hug in fear of smudging the make up she had worked so hard to make flawless.

Karkat was starting to feel like he might tear up, which, frankly, he knew he inevitably would, but he thought he could at least hold himself until the ceremony, or the sppeches. Luckily, at that moment, Roxy barged in, a little out of breath, in her wrinkled bridesmaid dress.

“Sorry I’m late, I came back at 3 am yesterday and I slept through my alarm, Callie had to wake me up and, I just wasn’t ready, I’m kind of a mess.”

“That’s okay,” Kanaya said.

Porrim made a tsk-tsk noise, looked at her watch and said,

“I think if I hurry up I can fix you. Get in the chair.”

Kanaya got up to let her spot to Roxy, sitting on the couch next to Karkat instead. She was looking nervous, which, well, Karkat understood perfectly. Still, in all of the agitation, he couldn’t help but wish it was him in Kanaya’s place. Getting married. He imagined himself going down the aisle—ok, maybe that wasn’t accurate because neither him nor Dave were Christian or especially religious in general so they would probably get a civil union—but whatever, he imagined himself surrounded by friends and family as he and Dave pledged to one another.  He imagined the party, the smiles, and the little shiver of excitement he would get when they would finally walk back into their bedroom with coy smiles, as if though they hadn’t already had sex dozens of times before. He imagined saying “My husband” and doing all the domestic things they were already doing, but with golden rings on their fingers this time.

“Karkat? Are you okay?” the voice of Kanaya stole him from his reverie.

“Huh? Yeah, I was just thinking about how you must feel.”

Kanaya chuckled softly.

“Yeah…I just feel so blessed, you know? I feel like…I feel like we’re making our lives and everything is working out and sometimes I can’t even believe it. Rose is finishing her master and she’s already being considered for a teaching position, The shop is expanding and we’re still tight on our budget but it seems like we’re going to be making a profit in no time…Rose and I have been talking about kids…”

“Kids?” Karkat said, genuinely surprised.

“Yes, Kids. I’ve always wanted some. Well, you already know that. But I’ve been talking with Rose and she agrees maybe now is the time…”

“Are you planning on adoption?”

Kanaya paused for a few seconds.

“Well…maybe…”

“Are you saying…?”

“We’re not ruling out the possibility of adoption, but let’s say I would be interested in carrying the child. We could go for a donor, you know, though I was thinking…”

“I’m guessing you’ve got someone in mind.”

“Either you or Dave, if you’re okay with it. We don’t want to inconvenience you or put you on the spot, but, you know, it would be so much more comforting for the father to be someone we know and trust…”

“Either me or Dave,” Karkat nodded, trying to process the idea.

“Actually, since I would be the one to carry the child, I think our first choice would be Dave. He’s been so close to Rose, she says he’d make a perfect surrogate for her genes.”

“I think I can see that.”

“Do you think he’d say yes?”

Karkat shrugged.

“I guess it’s worth a try.”

Kanaya smiled.

“Not today, though. I wasn’t planning on telling you just yet. I didn’t want to freak you out.”

“No, this is fine, really. So long as you don’t go sleep with Dave behind my back.”

Kanaya laughed.

 Porrim put down her brush as Roxy blinked a few times, trying her best not to fall asleep.

“Well, I did my best,” Porrim declared. “I think it’s time to go now. We wouldn’t want to be late.”

\---

Dave couldn’t say he was *surprised* to see Karkat awkwardly rubbing elbows with a bunch of tipsy women aged 19 to 35 as Kanaya was about to throw her bouquet behind her, but neither could he say that it didn’t make him feel just a little bit queasy. As an excuse, he could swear he saw Rose dragging him in there, but that didn’t really erase all the other hints Karkat had been dropping. It was like a fatality, at this point, the expectation that the next wedding they would all attend would be his.

Don’t get him wrong—he was having fun. As much fun as someone halfway through his third drink would be expected to have, that is, he had just ditched his tie somewhere and he would probably dance if a song he liked came on. But this marriage thing? He couldn’t shake off a feeling that it was wrong, somehow.

He stared into his drink. Why? Why did it feel wrong like this? Was it because he had been dating Karkat for so long? God, he was sixteen when they started dating. They never broke up because they never had a reason to, but still, that was pretty young and it’s not like he had ever dated anyone since. Or before. That couldn’t be a good thing. Sure, Rose and Kanaya were pretty much in the same boat, but they were, well, Rose and Kanaya. He wasn’t sure the normal rules of romance applied to them. It was more like, the rules of epic poems and 19th century novels. Ten years into their relationship and they still looked at one another like they had been struck by cupid yesterday. That wasn’t Karkat and him. Karkat and him were an old couple, they loved each other, but it was hardly passionate. Somewhere, he was okay with that. Somewhere else, it was only adding to his confusion about his life. It’s like. He had never really chosen where it would go, and it ended up in a happy ending he never deserved or even saw coming. A maybe happy ending. Because there was still the question of what he would do with his life, career-wise.

He didn’t understand shit. He didn’t understand shit because nothing in his life made sense. He managed to feel all at once disgusted and nostalgic for his past, satisfied and dissatisfied with his present, anxious and certain about his future.

He was snapped out of his existential crisis by Karkat shoving a bouquet in his hands.

“Here. I’ve got to go pee.”

What? Dave stared at the flowers in his hands, looked at Karkat who was walking away, then looked at the dispersing crowd where the throwing had happened. Rose, who was standing there, winked at him.

Ugh.

“Wow. Looks like the brides are putting some pressure on you, loverboy.”

Somehow, a grinning Roxy had made her way next to him.

“hey,” she smiled once he noticed her.

“Roxy,” Dave said.

“In the flesh. Long time no see.”

“Yeah, no shit.  I’d hug you but my hands are kind of busy right now.”

“Hey, don’t sweat it. I don’t think I have the capacity to be offended by anything right now. I’m wayyy too sleep deprived. I swear I almost couldn’t make it here today. Luckily, I managed to trade a flight, but my schedule still made it so I came back home from Mexico city at around 3am yesterday. I think most of my blood is caffeine right now. Tell me, am I shaking?”

She held up her hand.

“I think you’re fine.”

“I don’t believe you but thanks. You know, it’s kind of tough to have this kind of schedule, but honestly? I think I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Because the world is like, exactly what I get with this job.”

“It sounds kind of cool, honestly. Jade went to Hawaii a few months ago. She’s writing a book about the geographical challenges the national parks are facing.”

“That sounds dope. I went to Hawaii once. Had a layover there. We went to a club and half the crew got wasted, lmao. That doesn’t happen too often, but it just happened to be some FA’s birthday so we made the best of it. I prefer to go to cool cities rather than places that are mostly nature, though. I mean, I usually have only one or two days max of layover, and half of that is spent just being jet lagged, so it’s really not ideal to go hiking, ya feel me?”

“I feel you sending me snaps of you in a different city every week just to taunt me.”

“If it makes you feel better my job description is pretty much literally just ‘customer service except the customer can’t leave’ lol”

“You already told me that.”

“I know.”

“So, it took you two years to be able to do that job?”

“What? No.”

“I thought I remembered…”

“Well, I did do a formation in hotel management at community college, but you don’t really need that to become a FA. The actual formation for that is like, two months. The company I did it for actually fucking just offers it to basically anyone and hires pretty much all graduates.”

“Wait, really?”

“yeah, I mean. You have to be like, above 18, valid passport, no criminal record, have full mobility and be under 6’5”, but, that’s pretty much it.”

“Huh.”

“I mean, doesn’t pay well, especially the first few years, and I don’t think it’s possible to have a less conventional schedule, but you know, a job’s a job. Maybe when I get old and my rock ass body can’t handle the strain anymore I’ll work at an hotel, but also by then I’ll probably have seniority so who knows.”

“Either way you probably end up switching suitcases with some shady mafia dude, which leads you to get caught up in some elaborate drug empire scheme and sexying it up with a British spy.”

“Hm. I haven’t slept with a sexy British spy yet. Though I did have a fling with a pilot. Once.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I can’t help it if uniforms are such a fucking turn on for me. Why did you think I chose this job?”

“The thrill of traveling around the world and living a bohemian lifestyle?”

“It’s the pantyhose, Dave. The fucking pantyhose with the fucking neck scarf. I can’t help it if Natasha comics were so strongly correlated with my sexual awakening.”

Dave was through his third drink and figured he might as well get a fourth one. He saw Karkat a few tables down, caught up in some conversation with his dad, and figured it wouldn’t hurt anyone if he left the bouquet on the table as he and Roxy moved towards the bar. She ordered a virgin mojito, and they talked some more. This time, it was Dave who monopolized most of the conversation. He talked about nothing and everything, so much so that by the time they finished their drinks, Roxy decided that maybe there should be less talking and more dancing.

So, they danced. Roxy was fun to dance with, because instead of rolling her eyes at his silly move, she would just up the antic until some of the other people on the dance floor would stare. He didn’t care. He was kind of drunk by that point.

Eventually, Jade joined them on the action. She was laughing, and she made them spin in a circle that almost made them all fall over. This was fun.

They eventually left the dancefloor, exhausted, and Dave was back at the bar. Could he handle another drink? He could probably handle another drink.

Oh, hey, Karkat was dancing with Jade now.

It was Mom who next came in swooping to drag Dave back to the dance floor. Mother/son bonding she called it. Dave was briefly and quite embarrassingly reminded of the times in his teenage years he had called her hot, and how it was already kind of weird even when she didn’t consider him his son. Oh cringe. He quickly managed to brush away that thought.

He was managing to brush away most thoughts, actually.

He hardly even realized he had switched partners and was now swirling recklessly with Rose on the tone of a much smoother music than before. He buried his forehead in her shoulder. She had comfy shoulder pads.

“Are you happy?” he asked her.

“Very,” she said.

“That’s dope. Real fucking dope. The dop-fucking-est of the dope, coldest of the cool. Cool. cool. cool.”

“You’re very articulate, tonight, I see.”

“Yup. Just the most articutalable. You’re damn fucking right bout that thing you just said.”

“Hey,” a voice behind them interrupted. “I know you’re having a sweet bonding moment, but maybe I’d like my boyfriend back?”

“Sure thing,” Rose said, passing the weight of Dave on her to Karkat.

Dave just kind of moaned into Karkat’s neck.

“God, Dave, how much have you had to drink?”

“m’fine,” Dave mumbled.

“That’s not what I asked.”

“what time ish it?” Dave said.

“I think it’s time to go back to our room.”

“ugh, fine, mom.”

“What’s with you?”

Dave sighed.

“Nothing.”

“let’s go.”

They walked out of the garden and onto the paved path toward their room’s building. Around the party, it was hot from the people dancing, but out in the open, the air had cooled down to the point it had Dave in a shiver. Karkat was holding him, luckily, but in the faded noise and once again alone with Karkat, it made his anxieties fly back to him, which got him kind of queasy.

“I forgot the bouquet,” he said, softly, almost in a sob, as if though it was a dark confession.

“Who cares about the fucking bouquet,” Karkat answered. “It’s a stupid tradition and it’s not even like I actually caught it.”

“You didn’t?”

“No, Rose did. Then she gave it to me.”

“Hm.”

They entered the pavilion of their room.

“I don’t feel well,” Dave said.

“what’s wrong?”

“sick.”

“Can you at least hold back until we get to our room?”

“Dunno,” Dave admitted.

Karkat sighed. Next thing Dave knew was that he was crouched over the bathroom toilet, staring right at a diluted version of his half-digested meal. Karkat was saying things.

“I can’t believe… at Rose’s wedding of all places… how old are you? I swear to God…”

Dave knew that. He knew it, and he was not without shame. He wanted to cry. God, he was so pathetic. Why was Karkat even wasting his time on him? Why did he care? Why couldn’t he just leave Dave alone, and be happy? Be with someone who was actually good enough for him?

All he said was,

“Leave me alone.”

Karkat’s ramblings stopped. Dave knew Karkat was looking at him, but he didn’t want to look at Karkat. He was crying just maybe a little. God, this was stupid. This was so stupid.

“Dave?”

“Just, fuck off.”

The Next thing Dave heard was footsteps and the sound of a door closing.

\---

Karkat sat in his pajamas on the small couch, arms around his knees, staring at said knees. He couldn’t wrap his head around what had happened. This was not normal, this was not Dave. Usually, drunk Dave was more on the overly affectionate, swinging wildly between tears of joys and sadness kind of drunk. Dave was a lot of things, but he was not *angry*. Karkat was the one who got angry. The one who got angry at movie characters for doing dumb things, at strangers for littering and at Dave for doing stupid things. Dave was the one who could keep his calm when the bus was an hour late, when someone stole their food from the dorm fridge and when they couldn’t find a decent apartment to fit their needs. It really took a lot for Dave to throw a shitfit, and much more even for him to express any sort of anger towards him.

Karkat was hurt. He was hurt, and maybe just a little bit scared. Because Dave was little of short of his everything, and this unknown was ominous. He loved Dave. He loved Dave so much. He loved his laugh and his humor and his resilience. He was so scared of losing him.

Dave got out of the bathroom, arms crossed around his bared chest, looking down. He walked towards the bed and buried himself under the covers. Karkat waited a few minutes until joining him.


	2. S.O.S.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave is not doing too well. Karkat is noticing that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Sue Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89w-L3aICj4)

 

Karkat put down his pen after the finishing to correct the final copy from the pile on his desk. He sighed, open and closed his fingers a couple of time to shake off the strain and leaned back. He cleaned up his desk, putting the exam copies into his drawer, and left the school to go wait by the bus stop. It was still fairly early, barely passed four o’clock, as summer school had shorter days than the regular school year, but he was still pretty exhausted from his day. Or maybe he was just exhausted at the prospect of going home.

It had been two weeks since the wedding, and Dave had been giving him a cold shoulder ever since. He wasn’t sure why, but it wasn’t lack of trying to find out. There was the wedding thing—he had mentioned it once off hand, starting to suspect this might’ve been what had bothered Dave. He learned that, no, Dave wasn’t ready to get married, and though he had been disappointed to have to put his prospects on the shelf, he understood. He said he wouldn’t pressure Dave, he said it wasn’t a big deal, and he meant it. But Dave continued to act aloof and distraught, and it was killing Karkat.

He sat on the bus, lost in thought.

The thing with Dave was, when he decided to bottle up something, he didn’t go halfway with it. He became coy and vague and sensitive and Karkat didn’t dare pry too much into it, in fear of breaking him.  He just had to be patient, wait until Dave was ready to open up by himself. Then, everything would be alright.

\---

They had to break up.

That was the conclusion Dave drew while cutting carrots making diner. It was the only option. They were—they would break up sooner or later, right? Maybe five years from now, married and committed, Karkat would start to realize he had wasted his entire youth on some useless mess, and as Dave took him for granted, he would start whining, wishing for nothing more than divorce. Rightly so, maybe. Probably. And it would be so painful, for Dave, to be in his thirties and have to start over. He was still young. If they broke up now, it would hurt, but he could still—he could still move on, start anew. In fact, really, that was what he needed: to start anew. To make his life somewhere else, to get rid of the inertia, to grow the fuck up, to just, decide of something, and then let life carry him where that decision took him.

That was the thing with Karkat, he had just become another constant of his life. A red thread through his later teenage years, college and now. He hardly even saw those years pass, it was just, one day he was a High schooler living with Bro and then a blur of things and emotions happened, and suddenly, he was making diner for his High School teacher boyfriend and his middle-school best friend was now his adopted sister and she was married, and things just _mattered_ now, he was just, expected to make decisions about his life and shit. He was just expected to know who he was, but like, how could he? He ran on a survive-until-tomorrow mentality, he had never really considered, well, what he wanted to be when he grew up.

But what *did* he want?

He figured that to find out he probably had to do like Jade, or Roxy, and just. Go his own way. Try something different. Get lost and find the person he wanted to be.

Dave heard the door open and Karkat walk in. It wasn’t long before he was in the kitchen, pecking Dave on the cheek.

“What are you making?” He asked.

“Some pork thing,” Dave answered.

“mm-mh,” Karkat said, tentatively hugging Dave from behind and burying his face in his back.

Dave closed his eyes. This—this casual contact, this comfort, this ease—that’s what made it so hard to leave. That’s what had trouble doing, and that’s why Karkat should find someone much better than himself if he wanted to be happy.

“Karkat, I’m cooking,” Dave said.

Karkat sighed.

“Yeah, I know. Do you need any help?”

Dave shook his head.

“I’ll be in the living room, then.”

He left.

\---

Karkat went to sleep early. His head on the pillow, he just rested, incapable of finding rest, but too exhausted to do anything else than shower and scroll through Netflix idly until the clock hit 9pm and he could more or less justify putting on his pj’s and hoping tomorrow would be slightly less unremarkably heavy to bear.

What he didn’t expect was for Dave to walk into their bedroom almost exactly after he did. What he didn’t expect was for Dave to get under the covers and intertwine his fingers with Karkat’s. Or to whisper his name softly.

“Yes?” Karkat said, not above Dave’s voice.

Dave took his free hand to slide into Karkat’s hair, playing gently with the rebellious strands.

“I’m sorry. I just…I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

Dave paused.

“For the wedding, I, I really shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s okay.”

“And I’m sorry I freaked out about the idea of getting married. I know you want it and I just can’t…”

“Dave, I’m not angry about that. I’m just worried, I just…I just want you to be happy.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. You’ve given me everything I ever needed. More than that. You’re…you’re great. You don’t have to worry. I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

There was a weird tone of sadness in those words as Dave uttered them. But then, he kissed Karkat and the latter couldn’t find something about which to protest. He was starved. Dave hadn’t made a move on him since the wedding, or even really returned any affectionate gesture, so this kiss was like a peace offering, an opening, the sign of life Karkat had so desperately been waiting for. He hummed when Dave let his hand wander under his shirt, pushed him on his back.

It felt good, and exciting, when Dave moved his lips to Karkat’s neck, with eagerness to please more than with greed, tasting the skin, licking and biting, savoring the moment.

His fingers ran up and down Karkat’s chest, and Karkat breathed heavily, calling Dave’s name.

Dave hand reached under Karkat’s waistband, touching, stroking. Then, as Karkat was getting hard, he pulled out his hand and moved back to drawing patterns under his boyfriend’s shirt.

He pulled it up all the way to Karkat’s nipples and moved his mouth there instead. Karkat groaned, at once pleased and infuriated with the teasing. Dave took his free hand and let his fingers hover over Karkat’s lips. Karkat opened his mouth and sucked on two of them.  Dave slowly pulled them out almost immediately, and sat up in a straddling position, looking at Karkat in the dark.

“Dave?” Karkat asked as the latter had stood still for maybe just too long. “Is everything all ri—”

He was interrupted by Dave kissing him again. This time, his hands roamed all the way back and down to his ass, giving it a good squeeze. Karkat answered to that with a muffled ‘hmpfh’. He lowered Karkat’s pants, and with a trail of kisses, dived under the blankets.

\---

After that, Karkat thought he was fine. Or at least, that they were on the path towards being fine.

He didn’t expect coming home the next day to find a suitcase and a duffle bag in the entrance, nor Dave sat at the kitchen table, playing mindlessly with the salt shaker. When Dave realized Karkat was there, he sat up in his chair and inhaled deeply. He looked like he was bearing bad news. Karkat’s heartbeat rose, in the scramble of his mind trying to find a reasonable explanation for this, he managed to spit out a “What’s going on?”

“That’s, uh, that’s what I was going to explain. You can like, sit down I guess. Or not, whatever. I, uh, oh boy, here I go.”

Karkat sat down, and his ass had barely had time to process its new positional situation before Dave launched into a monologue, through the course of which he decidedly refused to glance up.

“Before anything I want to say I’ve thought about it and I don’t want to do this but also I have to, because you’re great and you deserve the best but I’m a piece of shit and that’s because I can’t take responsibility for my actions see like yesterday I told you I’ll be fine and I will you’ve given me so much it’s just that I need to do things for myself—and also, you know, you’re like a limb to me and plucking you out is going to hurt—it always does. I’ve had to pluck out someone before and I don’t want to do it again, not without having carefully considered it and taken the decision as a grown adult. I, I’m like, I’m really fucking sorry, I know it sounds—I’m not expressing myself right, I swear it makes sense in my head, it’s just…ugh…I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t want to hurt myself either, and this is just the thing that makes it so hard…and yeah, I guess I just have to go now.”

The words themselves may not have made an awful lot of sense, but Karkat wasn’t dumb, he got the gist of it. He got that this was exactly the thing that he was afraid it would be. He got that Dave was breaking up with him.

He didn’t know what to say. He thought he may have repeated the word “what?” but he wasn’t sure. Because Dave didn’t seem to hear it. He just got up, and headed for the door.

Karkat was pretty damn sure though, that he had called Dave’s name audibly as he was picking up his stuff. Dave did not react.

\---

He just walked out the door. He just walked out the door and took a deep breath in the late august air. The sun hadn’t quite set yet, it just teased the horizon, somewhere behind the street’s buildings, casting a warm light on the asphalt in the cooling breeze. There was the sound of kids on bikes, and of cars on the highway, buzzing in the distance, made loud and clear by the very nature of summer evenings.

The hard part was over, right? He wasn’t sure he had done it very well, but the important thing was that he had done it—he could go now. He should go now. Before the idea of going back foolishly caught up to him.

He carried his suitcase down the metal staircase, down to the first floor where a man in an old t-shirt sat there like always, drinking a bear of his porch, staring at him blankly, distant, but with like a vague hope Dave might do something interesting. He did not. He just rolled his suitcase on the side of the bumpy street, staring right ahead.

The only place Dave could really go was at Mom’s. He hadn’t called ahead or anything, but he didn’t consider the risk of her not welcoming him to be very high.

There was an uncomfortable sense of Deja-vu in this. In him, waiting on a bus corner with all of his worldly possessions, running away from the place he called home and into the carpeted-bathroom comfort of the Lalonde household. For a second there, it was like he still had acne on his face, like he was still using his shades to cover up a black eye, and like chills were still running down his spine at the fear he just wouldn’t get away with it.

This was, in a twisted way, an extremely useful feeling. Because it cemented his flimsy resolve, and because it changed the nature of the knot in his intestines from his present situation to his past one—one to which, at least, he knew the outcome.

As he rode the bus, he wondered to himself whether he should have given Karkat a blowjob right before breaking up with him. Was that a shitty thing to do? It was kind of a shitty thing to do.

As he walked the way up the swanky-houses lined street, he wondered whether it would’ve been better to at least try and script something, so he wouldn’t have ended up nervously spouting nonsense like he did.

As Mom opened him the door with a perplexed expression, he wondered what he would do now.

As he explained to her that he broke up with Karkat and needed a place to crash, he wondered whether he would ever see him again.

As she made a bed for him in the guest room, he wondered whether it would’ve been appropriate to tell him “I love you” before leaving.

As he let the water from the shower trickle down his body, he wondered what Karkat was doing right now.

As he went to sleep, he cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do Not Sue Me


	3. Run baby run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Dave entirely convinced he made the right decision by dumping Karkat? Hell no. Is he going to let anyone know that? Absolutely not. He’d rather throw himself into the possibility of a new job that would have him nearly disappear from the life of everyone he loves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Run Baby Run ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEBSr_ZaewY)

When Dave woke up, it took a few seconds for him to realize where he was, for reality to kick in and turn his stomach. He got up, mouth dry, and tried to focus on what was next rather than what he had done.

What was next was getting a job. Well, ok, what was next was actually standing in the offensive sunlight of the Lalonde kitchen, in his underwear, to make some coffee. It was simmering and brewing and allowing his mind only to come back to one conclusion.

Being a flight attendant sounded pretty good. Something he could make a career out of. Something that wouldn’t have him die inside, like the idea of sitting in a cubicle looking at Excel spreadsheets. Something he was desperate enough to try.

He spent the whole morning doing research about it. By noon, he had sent out an application to the Starlight airline 7-weeks program, the one Roxy did. Then, for good measure, he applied for one or two positions for which he would never get called back, and finally decided he had done enough for the day.

When later that afternoon, Karkat’s voice—disoriented, hurt and confused—followed, the incessant ringing of his phone, Dave found in himself a sudden intense fascination with the hardwood floor.

He did not call back. He almost did, but in the end, he did not.

The next few days were slow and uneventful. As far as Dave was concerned, there was no past and no future: both were frightful enough to break him into a tight knot of nerves, and so he preferred to them the depression of transience.

Rose called. He figured he could answer.

“Dave,” She had opened with.

“Hey,” he said, as casually as possible.

“Dave, pardon my straightforwardness. You know I love you, though I won’t deny you are also a man of outlandish stupidity: nonetheless, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and wait until I hear your side of the story before judging: so tell me, exactly, why the FUCK did you abandon Karkat with your tail between your legs like that?”

“listen, I’d really rather not talk about it.”

“Really? You’d rather have me hear this from my wife, who herself gets her news from a weeping forlorn lover currently riding six flag’s biggest emotional rollercoaster? Because, knowing you, I reckon you’d rather explain all of this for yourself.”

“Are you trying to make me feel guilty?”

“No, I’m trying to get _you_ to make _me_ feel like I shouldn’t be stabbing your ass with my knitting needles right now.”  

“Ok, how about, long story short, I had my reasons, ok. It wasn’t an impulsive decision and it’s for the best.”

Rose just breathed into the receiver, unconvinced and concerned.

“Dave, I don’t want to imply you aren’t entitled to your decisions, you are. I have known you since middle school, and I am your sister, though in a legally ambiguous way, and most importantly I love you. And I love and trust Karkat, too. I know you are good for one another, and that you’ve got…complications that are hard to describe as anything but commitment issues. So, I ask you, please, to at least reconsider if, in this decision, there wasn’t anything stupi—”

Dave snapped.

“Have you considered that, maybe, you’re the stupid one for questioning my judgement? Do you even consider what _I_ have been through? You know I used to tell you everything, all the time, like some sort of desperate fool who forgot about the concept of a therapist, but that doesn’t mean you are one. I don’t owe you my life story, I don’t owe you my decisions either. To call me and to hassle me over this, dangling the pain I already KNEW I caused Karkat just to pour salt on the wound and have me confess my deepest, darkest insecurities for your meddling pleasure is just a bitch move, one I thought you got over when you were sixteen, but apparently not.”

“That’s not what I was trying to—”

Dave hung up. More because he got scared of himself than because he really held a grudge against Rose. She was wrong, of course, but he knew deep down she was only doing this out of genuine (if misplaced) concern for him. He had lashed out, though. He got upset and raised his voice and said unnecessarily mean things in the hopes Rose would start feeling guilty. That was some kind of fucking bullshit he thought he was cool enough to avoid, and yet.

He needed to get out. He did. He walked around the aseptic neighborhood, empty but for the distant sound of a lawnmower, and tried to shuffle his thoughts, reset his mood.

He stopped to sit by a gazebo. His phone rang.

His heart beat fast as he pulled it, expecting it to be someone he would definitely choose to ignore; it was an unknown number.

He picked up.

“Hi?”

“Hello. Mr. Strider?”

“Uh, yes.”

“This is Starlight Airline. My name is Mark Lavergne. I am calling about your application to the Flight attendant program.”

Dave’s heart went back to its arrhythmic extravaganza at those words.

“Yeah?”

“We have reviewed your application and found that you would make an excellent candidate for the program. I believe you know it starts on September 12th.”

“I know.”

“If you confirm you want to attend the eight-week formation, we will send you an email with all of the relevant information, including payment options and the full evaluation requirements to graduate our courses. Are you still interested in being part of the Starlight Airline Top class commercial Flight attendant program?”

“I am.”

“Do you have any questions?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Congratulations on your admission.”

“Um, thanks.”

The man then hung up. Dave was happy, if somewhat nervous.

He texted Roxy: he figured she wouldn’t be available, but she answered immediately. She showered him with nonchalant tips, most of which he forgot before understanding them. Apparently, the real tough part was coming up now, and he should be preparing to learn everything there was to know about emergency exits on every aircraft and how to handle inter-passenger conflict.

His main thought was: Good, this’ll keep me busy.

There was relief in those news, a confirmation he could start a new life.

He’s not sure what he did in the meantime, but September 12th came at once too quickly and too slowly, and before he knew it, he was sitting in a classroom a mile away from the airport, with five other students and a middle-aged lesbian with a strong southern accent and a standardized PowerPoint as his teacher.

Roxy wasn’t kidding when she said it was kind of intense. There were exams almost every day, and they quickly started going to the airport for practical exercises: two girls dropped out before the halfway point.

He was the only guy in the class and it seemed to have given him some advantages. At least two of the aspiring attendants gave him all kinds of special attentions, teaming up with him, sharing notes and laughing suspiciously hard at the things he was saying. Ashley in particular clung to him with very  unbuttery fingers, to the point where he had to tell her he wasn’t interested at all. Nothing too direct: Just an offhand mention of being fresh off a relationship with his ex-boyfriend. He was nervous about it, but that slanted coming out proved to be a wise move. She stepped down immediately, and he ended up labeled as the sassy gay friend by all of them.  The teacher also finally stopped giving him dirty looks every time he got too chummy with the girls.

Important note: He never _said_ he was gay, he just mentioned his attraction to men and let his colleagues draw their own conclusion. No lies were involved.

Anyway, it’s not like he had ever really been with women, anyway. Like, sure, he _figured_ he was bisexual, though there was nothing but his word to prove it.

Who cared? He just…he’d just have to go with the flow and then whatever. Since he broke up with Karkat, odds were that his next relationship would be with a woman, so, honestly, it would end up making the whole proving-he-was-bisexual-thing a lot easier. Like, oh, hey, look, I’ve got one guy and one gal as exes, and can mention either depending on the current needs I have.

It still felt weird, somewhere, to mention—to think of Karkat as his _ex._ It was as if though what they had needed to be forgotten and erased, something Dave just didn’t want to do. Because Karkat was some of the happiest moments of his life, and honestly? He would probably never feel as happy ever again. Being on his own might’ve been necessary, might make him a fuller person, but it didn’t mean it was pleasant. Quite the opposite.

There was some happiness and pride though, that he felt when graduating. Like he had finally took a step forward from his useless degree, finding a steady job, walking into a next stage of his life. He had made it. He was strong.

Then why was it then, that the next day when he received another voicemail from Karkat, it was not his boyfriend’s pain that stung him the most?

 “Hey…I know I’m being clingy and a complete horsecock leaving you a voicemail again like some kind of desperate fool, but don’t worry, this is my last one. Sure, I don’t get why you left, but I get that you did anyway. And I’m giving up on asking for explanations. You don’t want me anymore, and that’s just how it is. I think I’ll be fine. I’ll make it on my own. Thanks for the memor—"  

Then the message cut. And Dave, who was ready to take the blame for his messy absconding out of a nearly ten-year relationship, who was ready to use this message as validation for having chosen independence, felt instead his already frail heart shatter. There was no going back now. This door Karkat had left open, just in case he wanted to come back, had closed.


	4. Starlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave is now a flight attendant, caught in the liminal space between the life he left behind and this new one he isn’t quite adjusted to yet. It’s somewhat lonely and boring—not unlike his previous life—but it does get him to look back at his choices a bit differently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  i want yall to take a gander at what the word doc for this fic looks like
> 
>  
> 
> [ Starlight ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiypMpnE8WM)

It was maybe three in the afternoon; Dave didn’t care all that much since his body’s schedule no longer belonged to the realm of day and night cycles. He wasn’t especially sleepy at the moment, and that’s all that mattered when he walked back into his crash pad after a series of short flights along the east coast. He had been gone for over twelve hours, and yet only banked in about five on the clock. That sucked, but twas was the life of a newbie.

After getting his luggage back into his room, he slumped onto his bed and opened his laptop. He had a few messages on discord he didn’t feel like answering. He checked instead the views he was getting on some music mixes he had been posting on youtube: not many, but enough to not be too embarrassing. Sw33tpee-nuts-babe2002 had posted a comment reading “first” followed by a “holy fucc is this the guy who made sweet bro and hella jeff”, which got two likes. RoryDicapriweed answered “dont be stupid its not ironic enough”. LucasJohn384 posted “I like this”.

The door opened and in walked in Dave’s roommate, Todd, a twentysomething former military turned pilot. As the only two guys with cold beds in the crash pad, they shared a sort of default bond despite having talked maybe once or twice.

“Hey, what’s up dude? Didn’t know you got back already.”

Todd was wearing only a towel. He grabbed some clothes from his bag and stripped the towel without shame or concern, forcing Dave to avert his eyes.

“So, how’d your flight go?”

“Oh, it was fine,” Dave answered, peeking to see if it was safe to look now (it wasn’t quite). “I got some shitty flight with three stopovers, so it really doesn’t help my monthly total. I’m mostly on reserve next week.”

Todd laughed. He was fully dressed now, sitting on his bed.

“I feel you man. It’s tough being junior. You started what? A month ago? You haven’t even seen half of it. It gets better with time, but still, there’s pros and cons you know. Dating is awful. I mean, it wasn’t great back in the army either, come to think of it, I’m pretty I condemned myself to a life of one-night stands. Do you have a girlfriend?”

Dave paused.

“No…I just came out of a long relationship though.”

“How long?”

“Ten years.”

“Holy shit!” Todd made quick math in his head. “So, this was like your high school girlfriend or something. Holy fuck. That must be rough. Do you wanna talk about it?”

Yes, he did. He had been talking about it to strangers on the internet for a while now, trying to piece together his feelings. After the voicemail Karkat sent him, he had entered a phase of questioning he had skillfully avoided before. Rose’s words had come back to haunt him, and though he still hadn’t really made up with her, he knew he was in his annoying phase of you’re-my-therapist-now-I’ve-decided.

However, he couldn’t talk about it with Todd without revealing about half a million things he’d rather not reveal, from his sexual orientation to his troubled childhood.

“No, I’m fine, it’s been a while now anyway.”

“You know, sometimes what you need to get over a girl is just to throw yourself in the hunt again. Even if it’s just for one night. There is a bar not too far from here, haven’t been in a while cause I got no one to go with. We should go tonight! If you’re down for it, of course.”

Dave thought. He didn’t feel like picking up chicks at the bar, but he hadn’t gone out in forever. He was lonely and bored, and his closest friend around here was Roxy, but their schedules rarely matched.

So, he said yes. Todd held out his fist for him to bump. Dave bumped it with a forced smile.

By the time he stepped into the bar, Dave had had time to start fully regretting this decision.

After a drink or two, Todd was finding himself successfully chatting up a brunette with heavy eyeshadow, while Dave just sat there, awkwardly. There was a second girl with the first, who had a bob cut and was sipping on a mojito, but she showed no interest whatsoever towards Dave. So much so that when Todd and eyeshadow girl made a poor excuse to go get drinks away from the booth, bob cut girl escaped to the bathroom and never came back.

Dave wondered if he should just go but figured he should wait until Todd assured him they wouldn’t be sharing a cab tonight. So, he fooled around on his phone instead, in his boredom his mind wandering to existentialism.

Was this his life now? This third wheeling, this loneliness?

His fingers brought him into Rose’s text box. He wanted to talk to her again so badly. He needed to rant, to say things about his life to someone who could understand, and she was the one.

What would he even tell her?

That she was right?

That after a while, that after thinking it in and out and through, after changing his mind as many times as he changed time zones, he had concluded that he had made a mistake? That it had been silly of him to leave Karkat?

Hell, why not.

Although now he felt like he had to do more than text her.

TT: hey rose

TT: can i call you

He got up from his booth and looked for a quiet place to make his call. He went outside and found a decent spot on the side of the building, just around the corner from a bunch of smokers.

A poof of vapor came out of his mouth as he sighed to the ringing of waiting for Rose to pick up. This year’s weather had been especially warm, but that didn’t mean the late November air didn’t pierce like needles through his jacket, skin and bones to nitrate freeze his marrow. He rubbed his upper arms as the voicemail kicked in.

“Rose it’s me answer you shrew we have to talk. Please.”

He waited a few seconds anxiously, hoping she was doing her usual gig rather than being genuinely busy. Luckily, she picked up.

“Dave,” she said, voice a little raspy.

“You were right.”

“I suppose, although you’re going to be more specific than that.”

“You were right about Karkat. You know, the thing you said to me before we stopped talking for three months?!?”

“I know, I know, Dave, but it’s just about one in the morning and believe me or not you woke me up.”

“Since when are you asleep at one in the morning?”

“Since I have a job.”

Dave sighed.

“I regret breaking up with Karkat.”

“hm-hm.”

“I don’t know, it’s like, I’m going to have to cope with it now that he’s over me, but, maybe it just…wasn’t as necessary as I thought it was? And just, maybe it’s the rebound from a ten-years relationship, but maybe not, you know? I feel like it would be appropriate to have rebound if I had any valid reason to break up with him in the first place, but I haven’t been able to find some valid reason in weeks, Rose. I love him. He’s never…he’s never done anything wrong. I’m a piece of shit.”

“Look, Dave, I don’t disagree with anything you’re saying, but at the moment, you’re very tired and quite possibly drunk, but just, maybe…”

“maybe what?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell you, Dave. It’s your fucking life and I’m not keeping up with the yo-yo. I love you, but I’m also quite tired because I have to get up at 6 tomorrow like a fucking peasant.”

“You’re right. I should be more committed to my decisions. I mean, I never figured I’d go back to him or anything. I guess I just wanted some emotional support from you. But I understand now is not the right time. I’m sorry. Good night.”

“Dave. Dave. Dave. _I’m_ sorry. I love you, I swear. And I swear I’ll have better advice some other time. You can come to me anytime, ok? It’s hard, I know it’s hard, and I know I don’t understand. I trust your judgement. Just, take care of yourself, ok?”

Dave swallowed.

“Ok,” he said. “Goodnight.”

He hung up.

He wasn’t sure how that went or how he felt. She was right that he might’ve been somewhat inebriated. He felt tears somewhere under there, but he could easily keep them under control. The silver lining was that the Rose feud was apparently over. The thunder lining was that he truly felt like a pathetic ex on an emotional rollercoaster, and he wasn’t sure what to do to get over that.


	5. Hanging Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One life is over (or so he thinks), another starts—when he meets with an old acquaintance, Dave seem to get the opportunity he was seeking to build something new. Yet, he still seems to carry part of his past with him at all times.  
> (or simply Dave is a dumbass: part five)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I wonder what it's like, walking by your side  
> To think before I talk, and to move at the same speed as you walk  
> I want to have a weight, to keep me in your state  
> I'm watching from above, I love it, but it's not for me”
> 
>  
> 
> [-Hanging Around](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46EwecvbGp8)

 

Dave was flying. It was mid-February, the Holiday season was over, so most of the people on board were businessmen. For this particular flight, he had been asked to help board a visually impaired customer, so a few minutes before formal boarding he showed up at the gate. The face he met was oddly familiar.

It took a second to recognize her. She had cut her hair and was wearing a business suit. She was casually leaning on the boarding agent’s desk. She was Terezi.

“Terezi Pyrope?”

“That’s me.”

 “Our Flight attendant will help you board, Mrs. Pyrope,” she said.

Dave grabbed Terezi’s carry-on, which was laying at her feet, and offered his arm to guide her into the boarding tunnel.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” he said.

“Yeah, me too, whomever you are.”

“I, uh, well, this is Dave. From highschool.”

Her face lit up.

“Dave! Your voice changed. You sound like a man now.”

“I somehow doubt that.”

“So, what’s going on with your life? I mean, apart from the whole flight attendant thing.”

Dave shrugged.

“Nothing much. What’s up with you? Why are you going to Vancouver?”

“Law bullshit. I’m a lawyer now. Or at least, not far from it.”

“Oh man, that’s great.”

It was Terezi’s turn to shrug.

“Has its ups and downs, you know.”

“Well, here’s your seat. Do you want anything from your bag before I put it on the overhead?”

“It should fit under the fucking seat I think.”

“Alright,” Dave said, contorting to get it in the right place. “I’ll get you the audio version of our safety protocol once we’ve finished boarding.”

“What even is this plane?”

“Airbus A320-200”

“it’s ok, I know this fucking plane’s layout.”

“So, do I, and yet I must suffer through the instructions every time regardless. Look, I’m sorry, but this is protocol.”

Terezi sighed.

“Alright. Smell ya later.”

“Enjoy your flight.”

The rest of the boarding and take off carried through without incident.

Dave actually didn’t talk with Terezi again up until she signaled for assistance to go to the bathroom. He couldn’t say whether it was him or her, but they ended up chatting for a solid twenty minutes in the back of that plane. She was engaging, and it felt good, for once, talking to someone he already knew, without the weight of the past few months hanging awkwardly between them. He’d forgotten how funny she was.

“So, you got a layover, huh?”

“Well, yeah, I got a night off before coming back to JFK.”

“Nice. You know, I figure you’ll probably have to go back to work eventually, but I don’t quite think we’re done catching up. Since we’ll both be alone in Vancouver, would you like to eat dinner together or something?”

“Uh, well, I mean, sure, I mean, why not?”

“Great, let’s exchange numbers.”

She gave him his phone to type in his number. She texted him, and then he got her back to her seat. A few hours later, he knocked on her hotel door.

“sup,” she said.

She wasn’t dressed all that nice, but it was still better than him. An open teal blouse over a white t-shirt, dress pants, and her hair still wet from the shower. Just a _little_ too much perfume.

“Wow, do you, like, always dress like this?”

“Fuckin court man, this is my slack look.”

“Well, now I feel underdressed.”

“Don’t stress it dude, I’m sure you look fine.”

“But you can’t confirm.”

“I cannot confirm. You are but a mere blotchy pink spot, man.”

“I’ll take it.”

“So, are we going or not?”

“I, uh, sure. Where do you want to go?”

“There’s a cool sushi place I went with some colleagues last time, how about that?”

“Sure,” Dave said. He would’ve gone with pretty much anything.

They ended up taking a Lyft to the place. Dave didn’t think much of it, since it was cold and unpleasant out, and walking a foreign downtown while blind must’ve been enough of a hassle to avoid it under non-ideal conditions. However, the place turned up to be both quite farther and quite fancier than he thought. He voiced that as the black-dressed waitress turned around after having handed them their table and menus.

Terezi shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess it’s pretty fancy. I don’t really know any casual place. I felt it would’ve been a little cheap to bring you to subway or something.”

“Why, are you trying to impress me?”

“Do you want to be impressed?”

“I make 25k a year, I’m not hard to impress.”

Terezi’s jaw dropped.

“shit! Well now I gotta pay for your fucking meal.”

“is this a date?”

Terezi did not skip a beat.

“Do you want it to be?”

Dave considered it for a minute. He was single. Technically. What would this cost him?

“Sure. Why not?”

Terezi smiled.

“Great. So, I’ll take the bill, then. Treat yourself.”

“Ok, now I feel like I’m abusing it though. Getting some sugar mommy who’s too blind to see how ugly I am? There’s gotta be laws against that.”

Terezi laughed.

“Can I touch your face? I’m sure you’re not ugly”

“uh, ok, sure, go ahead, just, caress my fucking cheek, we’re like a quarter of the way from hitting first base already, don’t mind at all, just go ahead and—hmph”

Terezi’s hand landed right on his mouth, probably on purpose. It then wandered inquisitively around his face, over his shades, through his hair. It started out rather awkward, but by the end it was playful and nice. Once she moved out of his face, he kept talking, making dry and stupid remarks, eventually, she tapped his cheek twice.

“Hm. You moisturize. Good shit.”

“Well, I’m literally spending all of my fucking time in planes and hotels, aka the driest fucking places on earth right in front of the Sahara Desert, so, yeah, kind of don’t have a choice if I don’t want my skin to peel off my face.  Don’t be deceived into thinking I practice self-care.”

Terezi laughed again, as she pulled off her hand.

“Well, that means you’re going to need a spa day soon.”

She whispered, “I never get tired of eating the cucumbers no matter how many times they tell me not to.”

“Oh man. That reminds me of the times Mom brought brought me to spas. I loved the mud baths.”

“Mud baths!” Terezi shouted, holding up her hand for a high-five.

Of course, Dave obliged.

This was nice. The conversation flowed naturally, and before Dave knew, they had finished their sushi and were back in the Lyft, going back to her hotel. When it pulled in front, Terezi paused before exiting.

“You know,” she said, in a tone trying way to hard to be casual. “You could come with me right now. The night is young. We could hang out at the hotel bar and then watch a movie or something. It’s kind of been forever since my last date.”

This wasn’t subtle. She was inviting him for sex. Dave had never properly flirted in his entire life, but he wasn’t an idiot. His heart skipped a beat when he understood that. He considered it, for maybe a fraction of a second, something like that, a one-night-stand, away from home, perfect for getting over a break up, right? Perfect for breaking the ice, and after, he did like Terezi. But he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to sleep with the second person he would’ve ever slept with in his entire life, just like that, on some layover, aka during one of his only opportunity to get some alone time, so he said no thanks. I had a great evening tho.

Terezi looked disappointed but nodded. Sure. It was nice seeing you, too, she said. He felt like that was a bit of a bitter way to end this, on a rejection, so he leaned in and pecked her on the lips. She had a contrived smile and wished him goodnight. He went back to his hotel.

Honestly, he thought that would be the end of it. He thought Terezi had been looking for some single-evening company, and that his schedule was too eclectic anyway for it to be appealing to any potential partner. But she texted him again.

For a while, their schedules didn’t match, so they didn’t go on any other date. About a month later, though, they found an evening on which they could share a movie at Terezi’s place.

It was the first time Dave went there, and it was a decent-sized apartment, although the decoration was both minimal and rather tasteless. A lot of shit just laid disorderly, the dishes weren’t done, but nothing looked quite like a health hazard.

“I have a maid once a week,” Terezi explained. “I tried the whole letting mold become self-aware and hope its friendly thing, but it didn’t work out too well.”

“It worked all right for me. His name is Todd and he’s heterosexual.”

Terezi laughed. She knew about his roommate, of course. They settled into her couch, she let Dave choose the movie. It was nice, although it took a while for Dave to tune out audio description.

Also, to tune out the fact that Terezi, having to obligation to look at the screen, very much cozied up through having her face in his shoulder, and making the movie experience increasingly tactile. Without Dave even really realizing it, they ended up making out on the couch. When the movie ended, Terezi said, “Let’s go in the bedroom.”

What they were doing dawned on Dave all at once. There was an uncertain ping towards his dick, and a definite ping towards his stomach.

“Wait, I uh, I gotta tell you.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh god, this is embarrassing, maybe I shouldn’t say this, but fuck, it’s probably gonna be obvious anyway, uh,”

“Just fucking spill the beans you goof.”

“I’ve never had sex with a woman before?”

Terezi’s grimace went through the five stages of grief. Just. The whole face Journey. Dave would’ve been embarrassed if he wasn’t kind of fascinated by it, and anxious of what her final response would be.

“Ok,” she sighed when she finally came around to acceptance.

She went down on him. Well, first she babbled some things about how she didn’t know what she expected anyway, kissed him some more, tucked the hair that could potentially end up where it shouldn’t be behind her ears, grinded on him, fumbled with his jeans, etc, etc, sexy stuff, but she did end up sucking his dick in a relatively decent fashion. Then he spent the night, but not the morning because he had to be at the airport at 6am.

\-----

They do that a couple of times. Well, not that exactly, but something close to it. Dave comes over, they have sex, sometimes he stays, sometimes he leaves. Sometimes they don’t have sex and just cuddle the night away, or engage in some cultural activities, get out of the house. It’s all pretty straightforward.

Dave likes going to Terezi’s, because sharing a flat with her is kind of a step over crash pads and the 10 roomates, about half of which are regulars. When he told her this, she gave him a key, so he ended up there even more often. She had something closer to a 9-to-5, so they crossed each other, he started cleaning around her apartment somewhat because he felt bad about crashing without paying. Doing some cooking. He didn’t exactly live there—he still paid for that bed in the crash pad, and used it enough, since it was close to the airport—but he didn’t exactly NOT live there, even if they came face to face with one another only once or two or three times a week.

He figured this was good. This whole thing, this whole living arrangement. Casual yet stable, the kind of life he needed. Just in the comfort zone of his “commitment” box, which happened to be a very normal level of commitment thank you very much. Take that, Rose.

He figured they could go on for a while like this, maybe moving closer as time went on, whatever, so long as he didn’t get her pregnant (that was a thing that fucked him up at first, the realization that failure to use protection could not only result in STIs but AN ENTIRE GODDAMN HUMAN BABY LIKE WTF). The thing is, after a few weeks he just started feeling weird about it.

It’s not that he didn’t want the relationship, it’s just that There were some pet peeves that played with his nerves sometimes. Like how she would always close the TV when she heard in in another room because she didn’t understand the concept of background noise. Or how she rarely ever turned the lights on anywhere, meaning that he’d get fucking jump scares half of the time he walked into a room she already happened to be in. Or how she just kept the bathroom door open. Like, ok, fair enough, he had seen her naked, and also living alone and blind she never got into the habit, but still.

Also, she didn’t shave?

Like, honestly, he didn’t know why he was concerned with that. He didn’t shave either, and neither did Karkat, so, body hair shouldn’t really be a concern here. Rose had versed him well enough in feminist theory or whatever that he knew about double standards.

Rose. Honestly, who else could he go to in times when he needed a good lecturing?

TG: Hey

TG: how are you doing im good

TG: well sorta

TG: i guess id like to talk to you about some shit

He briefed her on his concerns, feeling very stupid, and trying to phrase it in the least stupid manner, while still getting the point across. Rose’s answer was devastating.

TT: Well, did you talk to her about it?

TG: I mean kind of but you know

TG: maybe not really

TT: ( ¬_¬)

TG: oh shut up

TT: I didn’t say anything.

TT: Although I think you already figured out your problem.

TT: You’re not communicating your feelings properly, and you’re afraid of making yourself vulnerable.

TG: hey hey hey

TG: i understand the not communicating part

TG: but whats with the vulnerability thing

TT: It’s about the fact that I know you.

TT: Including your tendencies to never really put yourself out there.

TG: fuck off

TT: Maybe you should try talking to her about those things.

TT: Make it into a moment.

TG: ok

TG:I think I get what you mean

 

\---

He mentioned it offhand once after sex. Not in a mean way, just in a curious one, like, hey, I’ve noticed you don’t shave, so, I’m guessing you prefer that to dolphin legs, right?

Terezi shrugged.

“I’m just lazy, and honestly not trusting myself around blind bathtub gymnastics”

“Rose waxed me once to prove a point.”

“And?”

“It was excruciatingly painful.”

Terezi laughed.

“God, now I wish I was there. Can’t believe I miss that.”

“But I guess I liked being baby smooth afterwards.”

“Yeah, honestly, I kind of like it too. I wish I could shave, from time to time.”

“Do you want me to shave you?”

“what?”

“I mean, it’s not like I’m forcing you or anything, but idk, if you want, I’d be ready to help or whatever…could be, like, a moment.”

“I’m down to have a moment.”

“So, yeah?”

“Sure, why not?”

About a week later she came back with a razor and shaving cream.

“Let’s get this fucking show on the road!” she said, shaking the can vigorously, wearing nothing but a large t-shirt.

They found a set up in the bathroom that wasn’t too bad, with Terezi sat on the edge of the bathtub, and Dave kneeling inside, ready to grab the little shower head to rince over her legs.

“So, what am I doing here? Like, lower leg?”

“Yeah, start below the knee. You’ve never done this before, so I’m sure as heck not having you do my sensitive parts.”

“This is about building trust, tez.”

“You sure this isn’t just a weird kink you’re trying out?”

“who knows, maybe.”

She pulled her tongue at him.

He was kind of rinsing her legs with the showerhead, so he just sprayed her in the face. She slipped back with a high-pitched noise, landing on her back on the tile floors. Dave was really worried for a minute until he saw that she was twitching, laughing her ass off on the floor. He joined. He offered a hand, and though she took it, she didn’t really try to pull herself up with him, instead having him jerk her up like a sack of beans once or twice before giving up and letting her laugh fit pass.

“I’m, going to, fucking sue you,” she said, in between breaths. “Ow, my stomach hurts.”

“You okay?” Dave said.

“No! Stop laughing at a blind woman you ass! Help me up!”

He once again held up her hand to her, but she took it, this time, and went back to sitting on the side of the bath.

“Alright, attempt number two, and if you pull something like this again, I’m throwing you out of this fucking house, got it?”

“yes, your honor.”

“Now! Let’s get down to business!” she said, clapping her hand decisively.

“Sure thing,” Dave said, already spreading the shaving mousse on one of her legs.

He started shaving, and they didn’t talk for a while. He focused, because he didn’t want to cut her, and she avoided any rough move, meaning that their breathing became a lot more audible. There was something intimate in the way the razor slicked across her skin’s surface, the way her leg muscles contracted. She had nice legs. Her hands gripped the edge of the bathtub, too, and her knees were parted—she wasn’t wearing any underwear. After Dave had rinsed off her first leg, she grabbed his hair and stroked it gently. She had on a tender smile, with maybe just a hint of mischievousness in it. Dave pressed his head against her knee. His heart did a thing. For the first time since they had started this whole thing, this whole dating scenario, he felt something romantic for Terezi.

He hadn’t—he hadn’t quite _noticed_ those feelings were lacking up until now, he hadn’t quite noticed the manageable mix of friendship and lust were something out of the ordinary, but just now, they came flooding back to him.

And they felt _wrong_. They felt wrong because, as sympathetic as Terezi was, those feelings, they were the ones he had for _Karkat_. The ones his heart wanted to preserve and keep for Karkat, calcified forever if they were to never be awoken again.

He leaned back, suddenly incapable of going any further. This was stupid, this whole thing was stupid. Karkat? Seriously? Shouldn’t feeling things for Terezi make him forget about him, rather than stab him back like this?

He got up and out of the bathroom. Terezi was startled, but eventually followed him, catching up to him in the kitchen.

“Dave? Dave, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” Dave muffled through the hand that was covering his mouth, trying his best not to cry.

“Dave,” Terezi repeated, caressing his back.

He took a few deep breaths.

“I think…I don’t think I’m like…”

He sighed. He didn’t know how to phrase it in a way that showed he wasn’t breaking up with her.

“yes?”

“I’m not the best with feelings. And I want to stay with you, but, I guess I’m still, like, getting over some shit?”

“like what?”

He crossed his arms.

“Like Karkat.”

“Oh.”

“Look, it’s just, we were ten years together? And? It’s kind of hard to get over it, but I’m trying, and I’m committed here, okay? I don’t want you to get the wrong idea or…”

“Dave, it’s okay,” she cut him, hugging him from behind. “I trust you.”

Dave felt comforted by her words. He also felt his heart sink in just a little deeper.


	6. Afterlife

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: this chapter contains pretty gruesome descriptions of seizure and death. If it's not your thing, just skip, I'll provide a helpful summary when I post the next chapter.

“And after this, can it last another night?  
After all the bad advice that had nothing at all to do with life”

[\- Afterlife ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrM9ydUjJ_8)

 

Dave was serving on a boeing 777, flying back from Zurich. He didn’t typically serve Long-haul, cross-continental flights like this, as they tended to be pretty popular on the bidding, but also the schedules kept changing anyway, so things like that happened sometimes, getting a cool flight at the last minute. He wasn’t going to complain.

Long-haul flights were pretty cool, in his opinion. Not only could they cram a lot of hours in a short period, they were also just this whack adventure, where you’d one night (or day. Or, most likely, both, in a confusing timeline of landing before the time of take off), end up in a completely foreign city and back home within 48 to 72 crazy hours.

The way to Zurich went pretty well, despite the fact he really didn’t know well any of his crew members. They were a fun group, though, untiring Globe-trotters who had no qualms about inviting him to their foreign night in town, bar-hopping in the hopes of finding locals willing to engage in their poor attempts at speaking German.

So, Dave had been pretty optimistic about the trip back, even though he was running on pure caffeine, adrenaline and jet lag, but you know, that kind of came with the job, so he didn’t complain.

It must’ve been about nine am, middle-of-the-fucking-ocean time. He was going to get some old and vaguely rude man a glass of water, when he noticed a teenage girl standing in front of the rear-plane toilet, looking phased out an unwell.

She took a jerky step back and tripped on nothing, hitting her head on the back of a seat. On the floor, she spasmed and did not get up. A few passengers turned their heads to get a glimpse at the commotion, but Dave told them to please stay seated as he went towards the girl, just now realizing she was probably having a seizure.

Seizure, seizure, fuck, what was the protocol for seizures?

He remembered the big lines—make sure head is safe (that was already a miss), don’t put anything in the mouth, time it?

He didn’t have a watch and his phone was shut down, so he gave that a pass. He waited maybe a minute, seeing if it would pass, but it did not.

He figured that since she was laying on the floor and she’d hit her head, this was clearly in the “medical emergency” category of things. He headed towards the front of the plane, because he knew he had to warn the rest of the crew about this. He did, and the Pilot gave him the go-ahead to get medical assistance.

He went around the aisles, asking as calmly as he could if anyone here was a doctor or had medical training. This arose curiosity, people staring, trying to find what morbid spectacle could be going on. Some barely gave him an apathetic head shake. Eventually, a black woman from one of the middle rows stood up.

“I’m a doctor,” she said.

 “Please come with me,” he said.

They walked back to the rear-bathroom, it ought to had been about a minute since he had walked away. The girl was unconscious. A middle-aged woman was kneeling beside her.

“Lena, baby, baby, wake up,” she said, stroking the dark blonde girl’s hair.

Seeing Dave, she got up and sprinted towards him.

“She had a brain injury,” she told Dave. “She had a seizure before, she took meds this morning, she’s not waking up I’m scared, if she goes back into seizure it’s dangerous, we’ll have to land, Please help her.”

“I’m sorry ma’am, but I’m just the Flight attendant. This woman right here is the Doctor.”

“Oh, ok,” she said, turning towards the woman in question.

The Doctor took of her suit vest, folded it and placed it under Lena’s head before asking the woman—probably the mother—what had happened.

“Six years ago, we had a car accident,” the woman began. “She’s…her brain has got seizures now.  She’s sixteen. I shouldn’t have boarded her on this plane, this is my fault, the doctor cleared us, I’m sorry I—”

At that moment, the girl started convulsing again. Her ponytail was a mess.

“oh no, no, no, Lena, sweetie, baby, my baby, this is bad—we have to land. We have to land right now.”

“Ma’am, we are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.”

“I don’t care!” she said.

“There is no hospital in the middle of the ocean.”

The woman was breathing fast, and more and more people were staring at the scene. One toddler especially, would try to go take a closer look. Their parents were restricting them, but it was causing the kid to tease a tantrum, which was anything but optimal.

“I’ll handle the daughter and the mother,” The Doctor said. “Could you calm the passengers and go get me a first aid kit?”

“Sure, absolutely,” Dave said, desperate for something useful to do rather than debate the logistics of curing a seizure by drowning a fucking plane. The serious look of the physician, and the panicked attitude of the mother combined were just sinking in for him the fact that this might be a Very Bad Thing happening right now.

He brought all three medical kits on board, including the AED. He also brought a radio headset connected to the ground-based medical support. The doctor thanked him. It seemed like the girl had stopped convulsing once again, although she was still unconscious.

One of Dave’s crewmate had offered to manage his section of the passengers on the plane while he took care of the seizure case.

The mother was now staring in the distance, wrapped in an emergency blanket, breathing thoroughly but mechanically.

He tried to help the woman in Shock while the Doctor checked on the girl’s vitals, gently shaking her head. She was talking to the medical team on the ground.

“She’s had three bursts of generalized tonic-clonic seizures, without regaining consciousness. The first one lasted maybe one or two minutes, I can’t confirm, the second forty-five seconds and the third one nearly three minutes. I reckon there is a high probability of SUDEP, but there isn’t much I can do, besides assisting in oxygen intake and using the AED to mitigate cardiac arrythmia. I’m afraid there is already permanent brain damage, she suffered a hit to the head while falling, too. Her mother is in shock, I’ll have the flight attendant get her back to her seat.”

Duh. Why didn’t he already do that?

He led the mother back to her seat and sat next to her. She gave him no resistance, too out of it to care. He started giving her first aid for traumatic shock, when a telltale smell soared through the air. Puke. Ugh. He shot a glare behind him and saw a pool of gastro-intestinal stew ruining the carpet and part of the Doctor’s pants, as well as Lena, poor, sweet Lena, once again doing the involuntary bacon on the floor.

He didn’t need to hear it to know exactly what the Doctor was muttering under her breath, namely “shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit”

A man about two seats away from Lena started hyperventilating. Most of the row looked really uncomfortable. He left the mother who was faring somewhat better to help his colleague move everyone to better seats, they did manage to clear the two three-seat rows closest to the dying girl.

The doctor was trying her best to use the AED and practice RCR, but the girl was still convulsing (albeit more feebly), which made the task rather tricky.

She was wearing a volleyball-team shirt, although some puke had now gotten on it. Her chin was stained with a mix of vomit, saliva and blood, much of it dripping in her hair, originally well-kept, now a complete mess. Her eyes were bulging, a vague air of frozen panic distinguishable behind the mostly-empty stare. Or maybe Dave was just projecting. She was so young.

“She’s not gonna make it,” his colleague whispered. “She told me her brain is caught in an epileptic loop, she’s got at most, like, an hour before her brain is too fried for RCR to be worth it.”

Dave nods. At this point, he’s just exhausted. He’s not even sure he could live another hour, how the heck is that doctor still going at it? Just let her die, he caught himself thinking. Just let her die and let me land and sleep forever. I want out. I don’t wanna be here. This is fucked up, this is so fucked up, what the fuck.

He was this close to crying when a hand landed on his shoulder.

“Hey, your shift is over, go get some rest,” a voice said. “You did a good job, I’ll take it from here.”

He didn’t have the strength to protest. He slumped his way to the crew rest compartment and passed out.

He woke up right before landing, as his crewmate came to wake him up. He felt groggy and sluggish from a restless, feverish sleep in which he kept hearing the mother’s voice, crying out “Lena, Lena, Lena” like a mantra, until the name stopped having any meaning whatsoever and it was just like a jingle stuck in his mind.

When he got out of the crew cabin, he walked once again to the back of the plane. Lena’s body laid there, sprawled across three seats, covered by a blanket. The doctor was sleeping, even in rest looking mentally and physically drained.

As they landed, the body which had apparently not been fastened in any appropriate manner just kind of slumped forward, falling with a loud, unpleasantly dead noise in the foot space of its row, hitting the other seats and eliciting a high pitch scream from one of the passengers. When they had finally, finally landed, Dave tried his best to rearrange the corpse in a semblance of dignity on the seats. Everyone got off, except for the doctor, the mother and the crew. Eventually, a medical team came. It put the corpse on a litter, asked a bunch of questions most of which had already been previously answered, before finally dismissing the crew. The plane would have to be cleaned inside out from the biohazard of the throw up and the blood before serving again.

All Dave wanted at this point was some fucking peace.

He realized he was in no shape to take public transport. He would’ve taken a cab, but his heart told him to try calling Roxy. She had a car. Maybe she could pick him up.

She did. He’d call it luck, but honestly, the universe did at least owe him that today. She agreed to come pick him up.

In the car, he just rubbed his temples and tried to keep his breathing even. She had gotten the gist of the situation, although, in her four years of being a flight attendant, she had never had someone die on board. She had a case where they had to have an emergency landing because of a medical emergency, and it was a chore and a hassle, but not as soul-wrenching as what it seemed Dave had been through. In-flight deaths are like, a one-in-ten-million-passengers thing. Which, to be fair, is not quite impossible odds for someone who flies ten of thousands of people a year. Still, it sucked. That was some gruesome shit he had to witness.

Dave had remained uncannily silent through the ride, as Roxy was rambling, trying to find the words that could make him feel better. After a while she gave up, though, and in the silence of the car, Dave suddenly declared, “I have to break up with Terezi.”

“I, uh, what?” Roxy answered, taken aback by the declaration.

“It’s just, I don’t know, this might be stupid? But she was so fucking young and like, younger than when I met Karkat, or about the same age and it’s just…life, I can’t take it for granted and I want to do what I want, and I guess I was resigned to die without trying to get him back, but why? How would it make life better? I just…I can’t stop thinking about it, and I’ve made all these decisions in fear that it would lead to some possibility of heartbreak in the future, but the heartbreak is right here. It’s always been here, and in the long run, I’m just dead anyway.”

Roxy was nodding.

“Hm-hm, yeah, I’m sure that’s all a thing that makes sense that you are saying right now.”

Dave sighed.

“hey, look,” Roxy added. “I think you’re in shock and vaguely traumatized, but honestly, if this had made you realized stuff about life, the universe, and your love life, then who am I to fucking judge. Get your life together, seize the day, seize the ass, be happy, and know that I’m here if you want to talk, okay?”

Dave nodded.

“Okay,” he said. “You don’t need to worry about me right now, though.”

\----

A few days passed, and Dave’s epiphany did not fade away. In a surprising twist of fate, he’d felt overall better in the last few days than he had for most of his life, or at the very least, the last few months. There was like a weight, a stress, lifted from his shoulders. He understood something that he didn’t before.

His friends and family, too, were so supportive. Rose, Mom, and most of his crewmates had called, offered him trinkets and services and open ears.

He had to break up with Terezi. This wasn’t her fault, it wasn’t quite his either, although maybe. It was just his feelings. Just his desires. He wanted to go back to Karkat, and that was just that. There was no guarantee that Karkat would take him back, but neither was there any guarantee of anything really, he just wanted to take a shot at living his best life before it slipped away from him.

He sat Terezi at her kitchen table. He told her that he liked her, but that his heart belonged elsewhere. That he didn’t want them to pursue a relationship anymore. His tone was uncharacteristically calm and resolved. He wasn’t afraid, for once. He did not run away immediately after talking. He was ready to hear what she had to say, ready to take responsibility.

She didn’t say anything at first. She kept her head down, and nodded pensively. She shook her head.

“I can’t hold you back, Dave” she said. “I’m going to be honest, I think I knew this was coming sooner or later.”

“You did?”

“When you told me you weren’t over Karkat, I put two and two together. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.”

“I could’ve chosen you over him.”

“But you don’t want to.”

“No.”

She had a sad laugh.

“Well, what now?”

“Do you want to go get a coffee or something?”

“Sure.”

They walked down the street, to a coffee shop a few corners down. They talked about what they were going to do now. Dave finally talks about the details of how his relationship with Karkat ended. He talked about his regrets, his hopes, his expectations.

“Is this really what you want, though?” Terezi asked.

“I’m not sure. I can’t be sure. But I want to take a chance. Karkat…Karkat is the person I love and trust most in the world. He took a chance on me when I wouldn’t even have taken a chance on me, and he stuck to my side no matter what. I don’t believe in soulmates, but I do think that when you’ve got someone like that, you shouldn’t just let them go, you know?”

Terezi nodded.

They finished their coffees, chatting casually, and when they parted, she wished him good luck. Then they exchanged sad smiles, and each went their own way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did I spend an excessive amount of time around this fic researching life as a Flight attendant, Epilepsy, medical emergency procedures on airplanes, and airplanes themselves? Absolutely.  
> Does this mean it's accurate? maybe. If you're a Flight attendant, a medical expert or someone who's been in a relatable situation to this, feel free to tell me this ain't right.


	7. Un-Break my Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter summary:  
> There is a teenage girl who dies of epilepsy during one of his flights, and this shakes Dave up enough to break up with Terezi and set out to seek Karkat again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I did not write for like a week hoping I would get some comment on the last two chapters. I did not, but i ended up writing this chapter anyway, so enjoy, because you finally get some fucking davekat in this davekat fic. bet your ass didn't think you could get slow burn from an established relationship fic, well, you'll be damned.

After a couple minutes of staring at himself in the mirror under every possible angle, Karkat just sighed. This wasn’t going to do.

He removed his hand-knit sweater and threw it on the ground. He could pick it back up and put it in the closet later, although the thought of just outright throwing it in the trash had been lurking at the back of his head for a while now. It was just. So ugly. And so itchy. Sure, it was a labor of love on his part, his first ever knitting project. He was emotionally attached to it, even if his pride refused to wear it in public.

Knitting was just one of the half-dozen hobbies he had tried out in the past few months. He had been told it was the best way to get out of the depressive slump he had sunk in after Dave left. It sorta kinda worked. He still didn’t feel much like getting out of bed in the morning, but at least he wouldn’t spend five consecutive days calling in sick for work only to browse the Netflix menu in-between naps and a dinner of dip-less corn chips. God, he was such a mess.

Nope, no self-deprecating. Of course, he deserved it but—oh for fucks sake, stop it. He was getting better. Better. He did stuff, now. He read War and Peace. It should’ve been called War, aristocratic bitching, and more War. He ended up a big fan of Pierre even though he hated him at first. And through most of the book. And it was enjoyable seeing his students throw dirty looks at the brick on his desk.

It is true that obsessing over fictional characters may not have been 100% healthy, and once the well of dopamine derived from turning pages to know what happens next had dried out, he found himself in a slump again, but it did occupy his mind for a while. He saw Rose and Kanaya a lot. Crashed their romantic evenings with his babble. Exhausting Kanaya through engaging with Rose in some War and Peace discourse. Her verdict? Not gay enough. Kanaya asked her if this was the standard by which she analysed all literary classics. Of course, it was. Literal English Literature Professor-to-be or not. Queer theory, baby. Kanaya had nodded.

In any case, tonight was Caroline Henry’s fortieth birthday, and she was throwing a party. So Karkat threw a grey cardigan on himself—it was June, but fuck it, the nights could still get chilly—and headed out.

The transport to her deep suburban Home was really a hassle but getting a cab twice in the same evening would’ve cost just a little too much for his monthly budget. He figured too late he could’ve found some way to get a lift from a colleague if he had thought about it earlier. He should also move, or get a car, or both. These projects had been put on hold for long enough, now.

He arrived half and hour early, because in his mind that was a better option than arriving and hour and half late. He had texted Caroline beforehand, and she was fine with it. She greeted him with a big hug on the porch, children voices coming from inside.

He handed her a bottle of wine, because that is what grown ups do, and an obviously-book, giftwrapped. She took them, inviting him in, and he followed her to the kitchen.

The house was fairly new, going back probably a decade or two, in that commercial expansion style, with an open first floor in hardwood and a generic Home Sense décor. A foldable table had been taken out and covered with a dollar-store red nap. A kid was blowing into a balloon. Once she was done filling it up, she released it instead of tying it up, and it flew all over the room releasing fart-like noises, startling, yet delighting her. An identical little girl in a black and purple fancy dress was sprawled on the couch, watching a high-pitched and colorful cartoon show.

“Hi,” The balloon child said, seeing Karkat. “Daaaaad! The guests are here!”

A freshly showered salt-and-pepper haired man still in the process of putting his belt rushed loudly down the stairs, seemingly relieved to find his wife having already greeted the early comer.

“Ah, Karkat, good to see you,” he said, giving a firm handshake.

“Good to see you too.”

They had already met at previous teacher events. This was his first-time meeting Caroline’s twins, though.

“This must be Peach and Daisy.”

“I’m Daisy!” The balloon-twin said.

“hey, Daisy, shouldn’t you go get dressed?” Her Dad said.

She got up and went to stand in front of Karkat, looking up to address him directly.

“Daisy and Peach is from Mario Kart. I’m the princess in Yellow who’s married to Luigi. Well, not in real life, though, in real life I’m not married. I do have a best friend who is a boy and his name is Omega.”

“Omega?”

Karkat looked at Caroline, who shook her head.

“Fred is a big nerd. And I do not control what the other parents name their kids.”

She gently nudged Daisy in the back.

“Alright! Go get dressed now!”

Daisy scampered off, rushing up the stairs on all fours.

“How old are they again?”

“They’ll be six next month. And I am forty now. God, I’m getting old.”

“But you’re still just as beautiful as the day we met,” Fred said, planting a kiss on Caroline’s head. “Is the food ready?”

“The salads are all in the fridge, mini-hotdogs and other bites are in the oven, and I was going to BBQ the teriyaki skewers when the guests start to arrive.”

“Great. Hey, Karkat, can you help me with moving some more chairs upstairs?”

“Yeah, ok, sure.”

He helped his former History teacher’s husband for a while, then he played with Daisy and Peach for a while, Daisy having put on a matching pink and black dress to her sister’s. After a while, when most of the guests had arrived, and they had shoved as many mini-hotdogs drowned in ketchup as they could sneak past their parents, they ended up in the basement with the other kids watching Wall-E and drinking from juice boxes. Meanwhile, the group of teachers and their partners was getting tipsy-loud, laughing and sharing opinions and stories that, while they probably wouldn’t regret, they also probably wouldn’t have shared sober.

Karkat wasn’t having the greatest time of his life, although, neither was he having the worst. He’d talk about dating if he had done some in the past ten months, but he hadn’t. So, he talked about his students, ranted a bit about politics in non-committal ways, and listened to Fred comparing the success of various Nintendo consoles through the years.

He was discussing the lastest YA romance best-seller with Caroline when his phone buzzed. Now, he had been raised properly, so if he hadn’t been pretty bored and vaguely tipsy, maybe he would’ve thought twice about checking his phone, even for just a second to check the notification (and, by the by, the time), but he didn’t.

When he saw Dave’s texts popping up on the screen, his eyes grew wide and his chest tightened.

“What the fuck” he whispered softly.

Caroline grew curious.

“What? What is it?”

“It’s nothing it’s…”

He considered not telling her for a second, then realized he was bad at keeping his mouth shut and his problems personal. Especially to someone who knew him well enough.

“It’s Dave,” he finally sighed.

Caroline’s eyes lit up.

“Oh! What is he saying?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t opened the message.”

“Well, do it!”

“I can’t, I don’t want to leave him on read if it’s something I don’t know how to answer.”

Caroline shuffled closer to him on the couch and clacked her tongue.

“Don’t be a baby,” she told him. “Unless what you told me is wrong, this is literally the first time in months he contacts you, and you don’t even want to know what he has to say?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

Karkat pondered that for a minute. What was he afraid of? That Dave wanted to get back together? That Dave wanted to put the final nail in their coffin as if though he hadn’t already? That he just wanted to be friends? He didn’t know which one would be worse.

“I’m afraid of getting my heart broken again,” he admitted.

“Aw, poor baby,” Caroline said, petting his hair with a pout.

“I’m fine,” he said, swapping her hand away. “And I’m not a baby.”

“Karkat, I’ll have you know that, in my heart, you will always be the nerdy baby student who nearly gave me a heart attack at a History tournament. Top five best moments of my career. Heck, definitely top 3. Might even be the best.”

“Yeah,” Karkat said, blushing, definitely embarrassed at the memory of the victory kiss he gave Dave in front of everyone, thinking it was a suave and romantic thing to do when it had mostly been very dumb. His heart did flutter, though, at the feeling of how in love he had been at the time. It was just them. Drowning in each other, with that kind of intensity only teenagers parched to love and feel loved can have. He remembered their first kiss. Then he remembered their last.

“Oh, no, don’t cry, I shouldn’t have said that, here, I’m so sorry…”

Mrs. Henry was brandishing a Kleenex in front of his face. That’s when he realized there were hot tears rolling down his cheeks.

He wiped them with his sleeve and unlocked his phone.

TG: hey

TG: I know its been forever since we last talked or like forever since I left and I really dont know how to say this or whatever but I feel like I need to and ive been kind of a coward before for cutting you off like that

TG: it was stupid and immature and I really want to apologize and see you so we could talk it out or something

TG: im not gonna be mad if you dont answer but if youre down to get a coffee or something id like that a lot

TG: if not well then just know im sorry and I hope youre happy

TG: youre one of the most important people in my life and if it werent for you I dont think I couldve even gotten through high school or college so thanks for that

CG: SURE. ARE YOU FREE TOMORROW?

TG: wow

TG: I didn’t think youd actually answer

TG: yeah tmr sounds great

 

“I said yes,” Karkat said to Caroline.

“To what, his marriage proposal?” Caroline deadpanned.

“He wants to meet again. To catch up I think.”

Caroline smiled.

“That’s good. I’m going to tell you the same thing I did when you were mad he joined the history club: you gotta give him a chance, Karkat. He’s a good guy, he just had it rough.”

She gasped.

“Oh. My. God. I just realized. I made him join the History club, and then told you to give him a chance, and then you did and you two ended up together. Am I the reason for your relationship? Oh my god. This puts my entire life into perspective.”

She had a single giggle, then leaned in conspiratorially.

“I should be called the gay whisperer.”

“Ok, I think you’ve had enough to drink,” Karkat said, attempting to take her glass of wine out of her hands. She dodged.

“Wo there, I was joking. Also, please respect your elders.”

She paused a second, hit with a thought.

 “Wait, what time is it?” she asked.

“About a quarter past ten.”

“Shit, I gotta put the girls to sleep. Hope you don’t mind,” she said getting up and wiping her butt for any stray chip crumb which could’ve gotten on it.

“No, this is fine. Do you want any help?”

“No thanks, if you’re there while I try to get them to sleep it’ll only excite them more.”

“Ok.”

“Oh, and before we close the subject of you and Dave, you gotta promise me one more thing, ok?”

“Yeah?”

“No matter what happens, I want you to take care of yourself. You’re the only one who can say if Dave is right for you or not. Don’t let your romantic ideals of a High School sweetheart muddle your judgement, yeah?”

Karkat nodded.

\---

 

 

Karkat walked into the second cup where he had agreed to meet Dave. He had very badly slept, so it took him a few times visually sweeping the room before he noticed Dave sitting in plain sight, drinking coffee and waving at him. He went to sit down in front of him.

“Hi,” Dave said. “Long time no see.”

“Yeah,” Karkat said. “It’s good to see you again.”

They both nodded awkwardly. Physically, Dave was more or less the same as before. Maybe, actually took on a couple of pounds, but it was hard to tell with his loose shirt. There was something in his face though, that had changed. He seemed more…open. Self-assured. Maybe breaking up with Karkat had truly helped him become his best self. That hurt just a little bit, because as much as Karkat wondered if he had impaired Dave’s personal growth somehow, he couldn’t help but feel relieved that Dave was doing well.

“Do you want anything to drink or eat? I already ordered because I felt awkward sitting here otherwise, but I can go get you something.”

“No, I’m fine,” Karkat said. His innards were way too tangled up for him to want to ingest anything.

 “Ok. Well, how are you?”

“I’m good. I’ve been busy with school. The finals are coming up.”

“So is your birthday.”

“Yeah. I didn’t really plan anything, but I think Rose and Kanaya wanted to invite me to a fancy restaurant or something. You know.”

“Cool. I really haven’t seem them in a while, though I texted Rose a bunch. I guess it’s weird considering they’re, well, my family. Although I guess they’re basically yours, too.”

Karkat shrugged.

“I haven’t talked to Kankri since dad died, so, yeah, they’re pretty much my only family.”

Dave nodded. Then he took a deep breath.

“Ok, I don’t know how to transition into this, so I guess I’m really just going to go ahead and say it, or whatever. Karkat, I’m sorry I stormed off like this, it just, I didn’t do it right, which only makes worse the fact that I don’t think I should’ve done it in the first place.”

Karkat was too stunned to answer, so Dave just continued.

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer any of your voicemails, I’m sorry I left before even giving you a chance of saying what you had to say. The truth is, I was afraid that with a single word you could get me back. I didn’t really want to leave, I just wanted to try and take control of my life or whatever, if you want elaboration on my commitment issues you should talk to Rose.”

“So, you’re saying…”

“I’d like it if we could go back together.”

Karkat felt like he just had his legs tied to a weight and his body thrown into the nearest river. As he was sinking, he thought about the eternal mulling he had went over last night, and the decision he had taken before even knowing if Dave would, in fact, ask him this very thing.

“I can’t,” he said.

Dave’s face barely broke. He kept an unconvincing corner smile as he stared down at the table, scratching some invisible imperfection.

“Look, I’m sorry, Dave, it’s just…maybe you were right, and it’s just better for the both of us to move on. I’m emotionally attached to you, but how could I not? We were together for ten years. We’re just, not the same people we used to be. I’m sorry.”

Dave nods, his expression now neutral, still scratching the table.

Maybe if he were to speak he’d cry. Maybe he was just letting it sink in. Maybe he just had nothing else to say. Whichever it was, he didn’t say anything for a while, so Karkat got up and left.

He wanted to turn back really hard, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Like Orpheus, if he turned back, he never could’ve escaped it.

Maybe, as he opened the door, he shot a glance at Dave. Maybe he saw Dave, with his face in his hands.

\----

That evening, he ended up at the local bar. He had school tomorrow, but fuck it, he just needed to supervise some exams, then correct some shit, post the grades, whatever. Could wait. He wouldn’t have done those things had he stayed at home anyway. So, he spent his Sunday night at the bar of the Irish pub place a few corners away from his apartment. He had come here before, once or twice. It wasn’t a flirty kind of place, more just like a good spot to end an evening with friends but the music and the buzzing made him feel better. He ordered a beer.

He had just finished his drink when he saw Dave entering the bar. He panicked and rushed to the bathroom to avoid him.

In the bathroom, he texted Kanaya.

CG: I’M IN A BAR AND DAVE JUST ENTERED I TOLD HIM WE COULDN’T BE TOGETHER WHAT SHOULD I DO.

GA: What

GA: I Am Not Sure I Understand The Situation Here

CG: FUCK IT

GA: If You Say So

\---

Dave didn’t really have a plan. It had been tough, and somewhat humiliating, to go back to Karkat and be rejected. Though, he was ready to accept it. This was a predictable outcome.

He ordered a gin tonic. He’d probably go back to Mom’s tonight, since his crash pad was a bit too far for convenience. Also, if he had to cry himself to sleep, he’d rather do it with some privacy.

“hey,” a familiar voice called from behind him.

“Hey,” he said back.

Karkat had an incredulous laugh.

“Well, looks like the universe won’t let us part like that.”

“Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to…I guess this was just a familiar place, so…I didn’t figure you’d be here.”

“It’s alright,” Karkat said, sitting on the stool next to Dave.

“Are you sure you want to talk to me?” Dave asked.

Karkat shrugged.

“I mean, at this point, whatever. There’s no law against this. We could still catch up a bit.”

“I guess you’re right,” Dave said.

So, they started talking. About everything, nothing, about what they had done in the last ten months. Dave was somewhat daunted to tell Karkat about Terezi, but as it turned out he already knew. They laughed a bit around the absurdity that both of them had only dated one other person in their lives, and that it was the same bloody woman. Dave talked about Lena, and how he just wasn’t sure exactly how he felt about it. In the first few days after the event, he had felt great, exhausted, but like he had found the secrets to life or whatever. And although this wasn’t completely gone, the fucked up aspects of it were creeping up on him, her face seared in his mind. Karkat talked about his poor attempt at making a sweater.

They ended up a couple of drinks in, unable to stop talking. The floodgate had been opened, and now, everything had to be shared.

“And another thing,” Karkat said, while on a tangent about his months alone, “Is that I didn’t get any sex, y’know? I mean, it’s not like I’m some kind of superslut who needs to sexy-it-up every day, I mean, wtf, you know me, we went through a couple of weeks without sex, right? But ten months, I gotta say, it gets long. You had Terezi, at least. I had self-pity. I didn’t want to…I’m not a first date kind of guy, but honestly, at this point I’d do anything for a chance at intimate contact.”

Dave had not thought about that. He had never especially craved sex at times when it wasn’t available to him, and even then, when he was with Terezi, _craving_ was not exactly the term he would’ve used. But right there and then, the idea had his guts twitch slightly.

“Well, I think we should head home,” Karkat said, ordering the bill. They paid, then got out of the bar together. They walked together, without really thinking about it, and it’s only when the door of his former apartment shut behind him that Dave realized he didn’t live there anymore.

He laughed it off.

“I guessed the place would be cleaner with me not living here anymore, but I guess not exactly.”

Karkat sighed. He had tossed his keys somewhere and was now looking at Dave with an unreadable expression, like he wasn’t quite sure what to do with him. He stepped closer to Dave, now looking a bit melancholic. He dragged his hand softly against Dave’s chest.

Holy crap, that was like an electric shock. Dave never quite remembered how it happened, but the next thing he knew was that they were making out against the wall, and that the pleasure center of his brain was drowning out any thought that wasn’t Karkats lips, Karkat’s tongue, or Karkat’s hands wandering under his shirt. He didn’t care whether or not this was a one-night thing.

Karkat eventually dragged them into the bedroom, pushed Dave on the bed and whispered something dirty, which had Dave just putty in his hands—as if though he hadn’t been before.

Maybe twenty minutes later, he had his face in the pillow, ready to be dicked down like in the good ol’days, but Karkat was fumbling and swearing over the condom wrapper. This was painstakingly familiar. He may or may not have shed a tear or twenty over that, like the half-drunk softie he was, but the pillow was effective enough at hiding it. So he just ordered Karkat to fuck him hard, and that is what happened.

\----

Karkat woke up at maybe three a.m. with a bad need to take a piss. Going back to bed, he felt quite a bit soberer, basking in enough clarity to ask himself what the fuck did he had just done. Dave was in his bed—once again, after so many months alone—completely naked and peacefully asleep. Karkat brushed his hand against Dave’s cheek and through his hair, and knew he was fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm recycling an old oc, to show thar time has passed.


	8. Put Your Money on Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Put Your Money On Me ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHC6I7v-1Pc)

It was instinct, perhaps—a subconscious processing of silent noises, demanding alertness—that woke Karkat up. It was still early, up around the time he would wake up for school, and the sun was just piercing on the edges of the heavy room curtains, not yet forsaking closed eyelids. But Dave was gone.

Karkat jumped, yet took the time in an instinctive drive for dignity to put back on his boxers and last night’s t-shirt before heading out of the room, hurried but slow, apprehensive, fearful of what he was about to discover: Dave, chilling in the kitchen, eating toast like he had never left, or Dave, gone, leaving him alone to ponder what it all had even meant.

Had he woken up five minutes later—had he taken five second too much to dress back up, he would’ve missed him, because Dave was just about to leave. His hand was on the door handle, but he didn’t get to turn it. Behind him, a voice bitter and calm ringed him.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

There was no response. Karkat knew Dave’s mind was probably drawing a blank, there, like it always did when he was caught red-handed in some mind-numbingly stupid act of self-isolation or self-destruction. It was the only time when he would ever really shut up, caught, like a kid in mischief, between idiotic and unconvincing excuses, and the unthinkable act of owning up to the consequences of his choices.

“I was leaving because you said you didn’t want me back,” he said, dropping his hand but not turning around.

“You could’ve at least waited for me to wake up”

“It would’ve been harder.”

Yeah. No shit. Karkat took a deep breath.

“Listen, Dave, I…”

“No, no, I get it. You don’t have to feel bad for last night or whatever, there’s just a fuckton of reasons why we can’t work anymore and I’m going to respect them. We can forget this shit ever happened.”

Karkat was feeling a lump up his throat, and the pressure subtly raise around his eyes. The rest of the things he said had cracks in their intonations, betraying an overdose of emotion.

“I don’t care about my reasons.”

Dave shook his head.

“I swear, if you start crying, I’m never going to be able to leave.”

“I don’t WANT you to leave, you numbnuts!”

Dave finally turned his head, and his body halfway. Several attitudes and thoughts tried answering at once, but the one which ended up coming out was a dismissing “you don’t mean that.”

“Excuse me, but I mean every single last bit of it! I don’t want you to leave, I never did! I want you to stay, I really do. Against every single bit of my pride, and of my self-control, and of whatever parts of my brain telling me you might hurt me again! It’s dumb! It’s so fucking dumb, but I don’t care! I love you, Dave. Unconditionally. I love our memories, and I love to know that you love me. I love that you care, I…I don’t even know what to make of it.”

Karkat was outright crying now.

“I don’t want to get over you.”

Dave was paralysed, staring at the floor.

“Please stay.”

Karkat felt arms around him, hugging tight. He felt a face digging in his hair, as he was burying his in a shoulder. He felt a wave of relief, of stupid, stupid joy—and love. He felt like when the main couple finally got together at the end of a romcom, even if this had to be the worse romance story ever. Still, his tears shifted from salty to sweet, through the course of this long embrace. Neither of them quite wanted to break it, they were slowly shifting their weight around, soaking it in, drowning in the moment, waiting for the credits to roll, or at least for the scene to cut to them a few weeks, months, years later, happily enjoying their life together in an upbeat epilogue montage.

They had to break the hug eventually, though, as life often lacked convenient montage.

“We should probably eat something,” Karkat said.

Dave nodded. They held hands walking back to the kitchen, they didn’t say much, but they looked at one another a lot, not necessarily in the eyes, but rather as one supervises a child, making sure they are comfortable and pleased, not about to cry or run off out of one’s sight. Karkat made scrambled eggs, which they ate way too solemnly. They shipped soft smiles at one another across the table.

“I think I’m going to go take a shower,” Karkat said after having finished putting the dishes away.

“Yeah, I’m probably going to head home after my coffee. I didn’t exactly bring fresh clothes.”

Karkat nodded.

“Well, then I’ll guess we’ll see each other later, then. We could make a coffee date or something…”

“yeah.”

Karkat left the kitchen regretfully, telling himself they would have had to part sooner or later anyway. At the very least, he now knew they would see each other again.

\------

The last few sips of Dave’s coffee were cold, and somewhat bitter than the rest. He swallowed them nonetheless, regretting that it called for him to do something else than bask in the noncommittal moment before leaving the place he still lowkey considered home for, surely, a shorter period than last time—but still something which would feel too long.

He got up, with the intention of heading out the door. That’s not really where his feet led him. He ended up in front of the bathroom door, listening to the shower running, considering God-knows-what. After a second of inconsideration, he decided to open the door and get in.

There was no special reaction from Karkat. Back in the days, it was common for one or the other to enter the bathroom without knocking when hearing the shower running, as the opaque curtain provided enough privacy to accommodate both the person showering and the one badly needing to take a piss. That’s probably what Karkat assumed Dave was doing.

That’s what he did, first. Then he washed his hands, and let his eyes linger on the mouthwash. He used it. There was no reason not to. Then he dropped his clothes. And cracked open the shower curtain with a shy “hey”.

Karkat jumped a bit, then answered back with the same syllable. Dave stepped in, and they gave into talking through eye contact for a while. Dave tucked one of Karkat’s wet hair strand behind his ear.

“I didn’t feel like leaving you out of my sight just yet.”

Karkat answered with his lips.

It was a tender kiss, the taste of familiar flesh, the feeling of a homecooked favorite meal after a semester in college—it melted the heart’s mineral deposit of cheap dopamine built through months of fast food, Netflix and procrastination. It felt like that first grasp of the spring air, with its earthy realness country folks lament the city for not having. It just _felt_ , which is sometimes too rare a thing.

Karkat wrapped his arms around Dave’s neck. The languid rhythm of the kiss did not undercut its neediness. Just by shifting his weight, by making himself heavy to Dave, by leaning into his touch, Karkat effectively expressed his want. Dave slowly moved to kiss his face, nibble on his ear and suck at his neck, hands roaming most everywhere, at the crease of his back, under his ass, under his thighs, supporting this half-ragdoll at the best of his strength. Karkat emitted a pleased hum, sometimes close to a soft cry.

It took little but a while before the shower was turned off, and their wet asses were back into the bedroom, warming each other. Because that was it, really—not hot, but warm. Like laundry fresh out of the dryer.

They made love, because there is really no other term which would have accurately described it. They had made love before—in fact, they had probably made love more often then they had fucked—but really, it wasn’t an easy thing to get tired of. Even in the afterglow, when the heat below receded, it remained tempting and pleasurable, it remained kisses and brushed cheeks and soft glances.

Dave had to leave eventually, but when he did, it was soft and weightless—not like leaving home, but like carrying it with him, with the calm assurance that he would come back soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp. there's only the epilogue left. I'm pretty proud of this story, despite the lukewarm response it got. I know it could be pretty ooc at times, but I tried experimenting with tone, so, that ought to happen. If you happen to have enjoyed this, then I'm really glad, and I hope you would feel enclined to leave me a kudo or comment. Otherwise, I'm just happy you were willing to give this a shot, even if it wasn't your thing in the end.


End file.
